Sounds

I have been on Clozapine for about a week now. Every day I go to Chelsea and Westminster Hospital to get my dose. The nurses and doctors are all really nice. They are there to monitor my vitals--pulse, blood pressure, temperature, and respiration. So far everything has been normal. My pulse does get quite high, sometimes reaching over 120 beats per minute. The reason being my social anxiety, a key aspect of my Autism Spectrum Disorder. But overall the doctors and nurses are not overly concerned.

In terms of the effects, it may be too early to tell. Clozapine does help with anxiety a bit I think. Sadly I can still hear what I like to call the “sounds.” The sounds are the voices I can hear nearly all the time. They are mostly benign: I can hear my own thoughts reflected in sounds in the environment, ranging from tube trains and drills to ‌the boiler. It can be really distressing, especially because I imagine people can hear my thoughts at all times. It hurts and stresses me out: I have lost any sense of privacy. I hope that as my dose increases (a phenomenon known as titration) the sounds will fade into the background.

It may also be too early to tell in terms of the side effects. Common side effects of Clozapine include constipation and dizziness. Luckily I haven’t really experienced either over the past week. Fingers crossed it stays that way. One of the nurses gave me a couple of sachets of laxative, just in case I feel the onset of constipation tomorrow morning.

To come back to the sounds, my psychotherapist told me this past week that they may be a reflection of underlying childhood trauma, possibly due to me losing my father when I was two years old. I have failed to learn how to build nurturing relationships from an early age (though I am happy to say that I managed to have warm and meaningful relationships with my friends, family, and partner). A pattern of fear of losing the people I care about has repeated itself later in life, especially when I failed to find a stable job after my PhD in the humanities. But that post is for another time.

Anyhow, I am getting very tired from the pills now. Sign that I have to stop writing. Thanks again for reading this. Peace.